Re-Finding Ourselves After Stopping IVF

The IVF journey is a bit like venturing into an uncharted forest.

We set off full of hope and energy, but without a map, and as time goes on, we can start to question where we are.

In my experience, the IVF clinics usually try to manage our expectations by encouraging us to just take the process step by step. This often means that we can find ourselves on the IVF treadmill, having cycle after cycle and increasingly ‘walled off’ from our feelings and therefore our body.

IVF is a wonderful medical intervention that works for many women, but not for all. It didn’t work for me, and when I finally accepted this reality, I needed time and space to figure out who I was and what I wanted next. Now as a psychotherapist, I help women navigate this return to themselves after IVF.

The All-Consuming Nature of IVF

IVF process seems easy at the start but as time goes on, we begin to appreciate the immense emotional and physical investment. As the process takes its toll, and we can easily begin to feel overwhelmed - and then berate ourselves for not being strong enough!

It is crucial that women make use of the support systems available, during the process of IVF (such as the counselling services and support groups offered by fertility clinics); and in our experience, deep psychotherapy might not seem particularly relevant during this time.

However we find that psychotherapy, with its focus on the subjective impact of loss, identity and transition, becomes much more valuable when we stop IVF - because this is usually when we need to navigate the emotional complexities of how the IVF process has changed us.

When Psychotherapy Becomes Essential

There comes a point in the IVF journey where we may realise and then slowly start to accept that the plan isn't unfolding as expected. This ‘looking around’ is often accompanied by feelings of anxiety and exhaustion as the feelings about what we’ve lost, our changed sense of who we are now, and what we want … begin to clamour for our attention.

It’s at this point and afterwards that psychotherapy can offer a valuable opportunity to take stock of where we’ve come from, reconnect (including with our body) and explore what we want now, by which I mean how we are really feeling.

Taking Stock Without Giving Up

Accepting an infertility diagnosis doesn't equate to giving up on the dream of having a family. But as most women know, the options for having our own family outside of IVF are complex and require careful consideration.

So it really is important to take time to pause and reflect: to allow ourselves the space and time to think about who we are now and what we want. It’s seductive to move quickly to the next solution but healthier to take a breath.

Stepping Off the IVF Roller Coaster

When it feels like the IVF ride has come to a halt, it’s hard to trust that taking some time to recover our sense of ourselves isn’t ‘wasted time.’ We’ve got into a rhythm of drugs and testing, fuelled by our fear of time running out.

When we realise that IVF isn’t our way forward, then it’s vital that we stop and re-discover ourselves as creative and purposeful women.

At RSF Therapy, we see individuals and couples; and we are also offering a Post IVF Psychotherapy Group for up to 6 women at a time, with a minimum commitment of 12 weeks.

For more details, visit our website at www.rsftherapy.com and feel free to email us for a conversation: therapy@rsftherapy.com